Welcome to the May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Role model
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have waxed poetic about how their parenting has inspired others, or how others have inspired them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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As you might remember, I sold my husband on the merits of cloth-diapers and bed-sharing. Now I want to sell him on gentle discipline. But it’s a lot more complicated and less cut-and-dried and more emotional than either of those.
Gentle discipline is the part of natural parenting I find most difficult but it may be the most important. Gentle or positive discipline is non-violent, solution-focused, respectful and based on child development principles. It’s challenging but can also be joyful.
I want to get better at gentle discipline to improve my relationship with my children and also to model it for my husband, Mark, so he can adopt it and improve his relationship with them. I want us to work as a team to raise children who are able to make good choices and understand why they are making them rather than because someone punished them for doing the opposite. There are many times when he says or does something discipline-wise that I do not agree with. But I don’t say anything because I think contradicting a co-parent in front of a child is even worse than anything he might be saying or doing.
Early this year we had been working on the Time-In method of discipline. It didn’t really stick. We had in the past tried 1-2-3 Magic but also didn’t follow through with it. I was focusing too much on the rules and techniques instead of on the logic and reasons for the rules. Just like when we tell a child, “Stop pouting,” we are focusing on the rule instead of on the reasons behind it. So if I, as an adult, can’t stick with this type of program, how can I expect a 5- or 3-year-old to respond to rules without reason?
I’m not saying I never lose my temper with the kids, and if you follow me on twitter, you probably know I get frustrated with them nearly every day. But I have been trying lately to understand why they are doing or saying what they are. I have been trying to find the root of their misbehavior rather than just yelling “knock it off!”
I want to be able to show my husband how well this method works so he never again needs to say, “I don’t care what you want right now. I am so tired of ‘I want I want I want,'” like he did as I was typing this post and Grace was saying she wanted to sleep in our bed instead of hers.
He’ll never again whine back at Grace so she can “hear what she sounds like.”
He’ll never again say, “Connor! What is the matter with you?”
He’ll never again say, “No, you are not hungry. You just ate.”
I know he won’t take the time to read all the blog posts I’ve read about this subject or read Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, as I want to. So I need to become a gentle discipline expert so I can model it and make a happier, calmer, more loving household for all of us.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- Woman Seeking Inspiration — Seeking Mother’s struggles and joys to find her own path in motherhood have inspired others — to her surprise! (@seekingmother )
- Paving the Way — Jessica at This is Worthwhile makes a conscious effort every day to be a role model. (@tisworthwhile )
- No Rules Without Reason — The Recovering Procrastinator wants to inspire her husband to discipline their children gently. (@jenwestpfahl)
- Creating a Culture of Positive Parenting Role Models — Michelle at The Parent Vortex shows parents at the playground how to do a front wrap cross carry and tells nurses about her successful home births, as a way of modeling natural parenting in public. (@TheParentVortex)
- Making A Difference for Mamas — Shana at Tales of Minor Interest took an embarrassing pumping incident at work and turned it into an opportunity for all the employees who breastfeed.
- Inspiring Snowflakes — Joni Rae at Tales of Kitchen Witch Momma is a role model for the most important people: her children. (@kitchenwitch)
- Paying it Forward — Amber at Strocel.com inspires new (and often scared) mamas with these simple words: “It will be OK.” (@AmberStrocel)
- A SAHD’s View on Parenting Role Models — Chris at Stay At Home Dad in Lansing doesn’t have many role models as a SAHD — but hopes to be one to his daughter. (@tessasdad)
- Am I a Role Model? A Review — Deb at Science@home brings attachment parenting out of the baby age and shows how it applies (with science fun!) to parenting through all of childhood. (@ScienceMum)
- Say Something Good — Arwyn at Raising My Boychick reminds women that it is within our right to be proud of ourselves without apology. (@RaisingBoychick)
- Try, Try Again — Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis wants to inspire like the Little Engine that Could.
- I’m a Parenting Inspiration, Who Knew? — Sarah at OneStarryNight has received several beautiful comments about just what an inspiration she has been, if not in real life then definitely online. (@starrymom)
- That Little Thing — NavelgazingBajan at Navelgazing demonstrates the ripple effect, one status update at a time. (@BlkWmnDoBF)
- How Has Your Day Been? — mrs green @ littlegreenblog inspired her friend to be an active listener for her children. (@myzerowaste)
- No, Thank You! — If you are reading Maman A Droit’s post, you’ve probably inspired her. (@MamanADroit)
- My Top 3 Natural Parenting Principles — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now describes how her family’s natural and Montessori principles inspired others. (@DebChitwood)
- My Hope for a Better Life — Mandy at Living Peacefully With Children hopes her choices inspire her children toward a better life.
- Natural Parenting Felt Natural — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes didn’t plan on natural parenting — but her son led her there. (@sheryljesin)
- Rest. Is it even possible? — Janet at where birth and feminism intersect has found that even role models need rest — and that there are ways to fit it into everyday parenting life. (@feministbirther)
- May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Role model — Lauren at Hobo Mama was the fortunate recipient of a seed of inspiration, and has been privileged to plant some of those seeds herself, though she didn’t know it at the time. (@Hobo_Mama)
- crunchspiration — the grumbles at grumbles and grunts wants to inspire others to parent from their heart. (@thegrumbles)
- No Extra Inspiration Required — Zoey at Good Goog doesn’t think she inspires anyone and wasn’t inspired by anyone in return — except by her daughter. (@zoeyspeak)
- Upstream Parenting — Luschka at Diary of a First Child blogs for that one mother in one hundred who will find her words helpful. (@diaryfirstchild)
- Parenting Advice for the Girl from Outer Space — If Mommy Soup at Cream of Mommy Soup could give one piece of inspirational advice to new parents, it would be to parent with kindness. (@MommySoup)
- Natural Parenting Carnival — Role Model — Sarah at Consider Eden feels the pressure at trying — and failing — to live up to her role models. (@ConsiderEden)
- May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Role Model — Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages natural parenting mamas to take joy in the fact that they are touching lives and making a difference to children every day. (@CodeNameMama)
- Inspiration Goes Both Ways — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! is flustered that people consider her a breastfeeding role model — but the lovely comments she’s received prove it’s so. (@bfmom)
- My Seven — Danielle at born.in.japan has identified seven role models in her life who brought her to natural parenting. Who are your seven? (@borninjp)
- A Quiet Example — Alison at BluebirdMama was one of the first parents in her group of friends — and has come to see almost all those friends follow in her natural birthing footsteps, whether intentionally or not.
- Gentle Discipline Warrior — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries has inspired a gentle discipline movement — join her! (@babydust)
- Change The World… One Parent At A Time — Mamapoekie is more comfortable inspiring parents online than she is in real life. (@mamapoekie)
- Inspirational Parenting — pchanner at A Mom’s Fresh Start has intentionally tried to be a role model but was unprepared for how soon someone would take notice. (@pchanner)
- My Inspiration — Erin at A Beatnik’s Beat on Life has written thank-you letters to everyone who’s inspired her to become the lactivist and natural parenting advocate she is today. (@babybeatnik)
May 11, 2010 at 1:02 am
Good luck. It sounds like one of those projects where the important bit is the doing, not necessarily the achieving. So when it gets hard, you’ll be able to look back at lots of little victories and remind yourself how far you’ve come. And it looks like you’ve already started.
May 11, 2010 at 2:47 am
My husband was really concerned about the discipline topic whenever we discussed parenting even before we got pregnant. I wonder if they think it’s their role as men to be the disciplinarian or something, or if they’re modeling (or think they have to model) their own fathers. As it happens, my husband was actually more concerned he couldn’t discipline that way, because naturally he aligns with gentle-discipline techniques, so win-win there once he got over his anxiety about his role.
BUT, one thing that struck me as an idea for you: There’s an Unconditional Parenting DVD that sums up the ideas of the book in lots less time than it takes to read. Our library has the DVD, so maybe yours does or would order it or would do interlibrary loan for you. My husband wasn’t going to read the book, but he loved the DVD (so much so that he’s read the book twice now!!).
May 11, 2010 at 12:05 pm
I will definitely look for the DVD. Thanks for the suggestion.
May 11, 2010 at 6:01 am
I think your problem is a pretty common one. Tom and I go back and forth sometimes about gentle discipline techniques. He gets really frustrated (and often overly dramatic): “so I’m just supposed to give in? Is that it?!” (sigh) No. I wish he’d read some of the books/posts I’ve read too. Maybe that’s what I’ll ask for for my birthday 😉
May 11, 2010 at 10:06 am
Good luck on your journey. I hope that as your husband witnesses the positivity and cooperation in your relationship with your children he is inspired by your example. Perhaps then, he will read at least a few articles?
May 11, 2010 at 5:52 pm
I wish you luck with this. I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who practices true ‘Gentle Discipline’. I do have completely different thoughts on raising kids than my husband and recently had to give him some parenting tips (which coincidentally I wrote about today). Hopefully, he will see your success and mimic you.
May 11, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Men in general, IMO of course, 1. ) don’t read up on these things like we do and 2.) not having been raised to do the business of parenting (a sweeping generalization so maybe I can only speak for all the men I’ve known) leave it up to us. But then they have trouble understanding all the stuff we get into due to issue #2. I go through this with my hubby too and while I can explain it away it doesn’t make it much easier does it?
May 11, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Good luck in your efforts to model gentle discipline. It’s not easy, as you said. But I believe that it’s worth it. And I also believe that even if only you do it, then that’s huge in and of itself. Having even one adult treat them gently and respectfully can make all the difference for kids, I think.
May 12, 2010 at 7:32 am
Oh yes, I have a unique perspective in that my son’s have different fathers. DS1’s bio-father would whine at (then toddler) our son, would resort to hitting him (when I was at work and again when DS1 lived with him for 5 months when he was 6yrs old). It was an AWFUL situation.
My current partner takes the time to TALK to my oldest son (as the baby is just more content to attack the tv remotes lol), to figure out WHAT is upsetting him. Has never EVER resorted to name calling, hitting, shaming, etc.
It’s amazing, to me anyway, to go from one extreme to another.
Sorry for rambling!!
May 12, 2010 at 10:15 am
So glad to see another family won over for gentle discipline. Kudos to you and yours! Remember, realisation and self-awareness are already half the effort
May 12, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Being a mom to only a 14 month old, I am just beginning to learn more about gentle discipline. It is absolutely the route both my husband and I want to follow and clearly takes a great deal of committment. I believe it’s never to late to move in the direction you want to go. I look forward to reading how this journey works out for you and your family.
May 15, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Thanks for the book suggestion, and I will be reading your blog posts too. I am very interested in gentle discipline. Although I was not at all an abused child, I definitely got my fair share of smacks. I know my natural instinct is to smack, to say NO and so on, but I want to learn to do better. Thanks for providing the motivation.