I just read the following passage in a blog post about discernment:
For years now, I know that God has been calling me to something. I don’t know what, really. I’ll admit the door isn’t closed on religious life, nor is it closed on marriage, nor is it closed on the single life. On one hand, it seems that I don’t know how to close doors. On the other hand, I wonder if they are SUPPOSED to stand open? (here’s the full post if you’re interested though it’s really about something different than I’m going to talk about)
The passage struck a chord with me. I’ve always thought of myself as “on the fence” about pretty much everything. I even considered making that the title and theme of my blog. Though I dislike close-mindedness, I saw myself not as open-minded but as lacking strong convictions.
The post and comments go on to talk about how we need to close the doors eventually to choose our vocation. I’ve done that (choosing marriage) but maybe the other doors in our life are supposed to stay open. I’ve been leaving the door open on being a Republican/Democrat, traditional/liberal Catholic, strict/lenient parent and I’m sure many more things I’m forgetting right now. Maybe I’m not a fence-sitter but I’m just leaving the doors open and letting God guide my life where it needs to go.
I felt a strong push this past fall to start a mom’s group in my parish. I contacted our Director of Faith Formation and we held two informational meetings in January, hoping to have a group running by the beginning of Lent. Nobody showed up. Two people said they were interested, and I told Erin (the director) that the three of us could just start meeting, publish a meeting time and hope people eventually join. That was a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t heard back from her. I’ve fallen into a bit of a mood since then (poor Mark), maybe because I feel like for once in my life I had a purpose and now it’s gone and I’m back on the fence. (I just this second realized that’s why I’ve been in a mood.)
So now that shoots down the theory of being on the fence being a good thing. Sheesh, I’m even on the fence about being on the fence. …. So I don’t know what to say next. I know this is different from the type of thing I usually talk about, and it’s really rambling to boot. But I’ll welcome any wisdom or musings anyone has on the subject. (getting up the nerve to hit “publish post”)