Warning: Debbie Downer post ahead. Read at your own risk.

No “to do” for the subject line because I don’t know what I should do or want to do when it comes to this subject. I just wish I was good at being home with the kids and that I enjoyed it. Some days are good, a few are bad but most are just dull. I find myself checking the clock and thinking about what we can do to pass the time until Mark gets home.

Today wasn’t especially bad. There were no major temper tantrums or anything out of the ordinary. But everything was getting on my nerves and I kept thinking how lucky people with normal jobs and kids in day care are.

I try giving the kids my undivided attention but one can only play “hide the flashlight” so many times in a row for so many days in a row before feeling compelled to bash one’s self over the head with said flashlight. I’ve tried letting the kids set the pace of the day and make their own choices but (for example) even when Grace gets to choose what’s for lunch, half the time she doesn’t eat it. So then I think maybe I should have more structure with a loose schedule and some activities. But I don’t know what kind of activities to do (that won’t bore me to tears) and so far I have not been at all successful in keeping even the most basic schedule.

I try not to get annoyed with them because they’re just kids, but still it annoys me when Grace:

  • Wakes up early
  • Climbs all over my when I’m trying to sleep
  • Whines about being hungry but won’t eat
  • Acts tired and cranky but won’t nap
  • Whines to turn on the TV and then runs around not watching it
  • Demands to be watched EVERY second
  • Gets mad if I don’t understand what she’s talking about
  • Whines for help going potty when she’s capable of doing it herself

I started this list as then but then realized all but one of them were about Grace, except the nap one, which is normally her but was Connor today. I don’t get annoyed with my angel boy too often. His time will come around soon enough, I’m sure.

I went grocery shopping before dinner today just to be alone and out of the house. And I’ve hated grocery shopping all my life.

I love both kids VERY much and every day they do things that melt my heart. I enjoy spending time with them, just not all day, every day. And that makes me feel guilty. So to end the post on a less depressing note, here’s a happy moment from this evening: